[Switzerland] Lina Kohler, Beijing Normal University
Apparently, the Chinese people seem to be not different from the people in our country. But when it comes to interpersonal relationship and love, that’s when I start to really experience some cultural differences. As a European who had love experiences in China, I have certainly had a lot of so-called cultural “shock”. Next, I will tell you a few love anecdotes to express the impact of Chinese culture on me.“It’s cold outside, put on more clothes.” I immediately think of these small sentences that my boyfriend at that time would tell me in concern. For example, “It’s cold outside, keep yourself warm,” or just say, “Good girl.” Compared with Europeans in love, this is a big difference. We will never tell anyone to “eat”, “be good” or “put on more clothes”.
I think if my countrymen speak to me like this, I would think he might be a little too bossy. The addressed may think, “I’m an adult, so why are you telling me these obvious things?” After 10 years old, even parents stop talking to their children about this. But in China, this seems to be completely normal, even predictable. I also begin to look forward to this and even like to hear these words. After all, who doesn’t want to be taken care of?
“I’ll support you!” Another very interesting idea to me is that men seem to almost play a “protective role” in Chinese lovers’ relationships. For example, he pays in restaurants, provides financial funds to support his girlfriend, and even cares about her parents to some extent. I was a little surprised when my boyfriend asked about my parents for the first time. “They’re all right.” I muttered to myself. Since I didn’t really get in touch with them often, I didn’t know what to say.
Then he said, “Christmas is coming, and you’re soon going home.” He gave me a big bag full of gifts for my parents and the whole family. “Did you buy presents for my family?” I was surprised. “It’s all right, I’ll support you, girl!” He smiled. “This is a gift for our mother.” “Mother? What do you mean our mother? She is my mother.” I said. “You know, after we get married,” he said. “I’ll call your mother ‘our mother’” “Married?” We had only been in love for a year at that time. “Are you going to get married?” he asked. I began to sweat and hesitated to speak.
He said, “Oh, don’t worry, my parents have already bought a house.” “House?!” I shouted. In my country, there is no prerequisite for marriage. No one needs a house or a car, and parents usually don’t urge their children to get married. In our life, marriage is not something that must be done at a particular age or with a particular person. If you want to get married, get married, and if you never think about getting married, that’s fine. I think this is a big cultural difference.
I think Chinese people pay more attention to family. At all important stages of their life, their family will provide them with help and support. Although parents may sometimes live in an “empty nest”, their children will come back eventually.
“What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing at all?” Another cultural difference I have noticed is the frequency of sending text messages. This should vary from person to person, but generally speaking, what I want to say is that we don’t often send text messages in our country. But in China, the frequency of texting is a little high. Once I got a message saying, “What are you doing?” I didn’t reply because I was very busy.
Two minutes later, I received another text message asking what I was doing. Because the mobile phone had been muted, I didn’t see it. After class, I turned on my phone and was surprised to see on the screen: I received five text messages and two missed calls. In my country, love is not the whole of our life, but only a part. We usually spend some time, but definitely not a lot of time every day thinking about what our lover is doing.
Another point is that we never want to be seen as “clingy” or over-dependent on someone. Therefore, we will never send too many text messages or reply very soon. Otherwise, your lover would think that you have no dignity. But I have to admit I personally prefer the Chinese way, for such love is really sweet!
“Sorry, our constellations don’t match.” I think this point is very interesting. Once I met a boy in a restaurant. As soon as I sat down, he asked me what my zodiac sign was. I was a little confused. Does it matter? He explained to me that the reason he broke up with his ex-girlfriend was that his parents said their zodiac signs didn’t match.
At that time, I didn’t know whether I was surprised that parents had a say in their children’s relationships, or that zodiac signs were so important. But I have found that it is not an uncommon phenomenon in China that parents have a certain say in their children’s love affairs. I think parents in China differ in the degrees of interference with their children’s love and the degree of intimacy with their children.
But if their children decide to get married, all parents may express their opinions. Especially after marriage, parents may help take care of the newborn and even often come to clean the house of the newlyweds. All of these are very rare in my country. Parents usually do not interfere with their children’s love or marriage life, let alone calculate the matchableness of dates of birthday or zodiac signs. These traditions and habits confuse me and fascinate me as well. Fortunately, I was not born on April 4, otherwise maybe no Chinese man would want me.
All in all, having a love affair in China is bound to be affected by culture shock. I think as human beings, although we have the same feelings, we still find different ways of expression when we get along with each other. In retrospect, these culture shocks are often causes of laughter, and perhaps they even make interpersonal relationships stronger.
The story is from "My Beautiful Encounter with China" Essay Competition organized by the Chinese Service Center for Scholarly Exchanges (CSCSE).
